Discernment Counselling Singapore
Counselling for Deciding on Divorce in Singapore: Discernment Counselling
“The general goal of discernment counselling is for spouses to gain insight into and understanding of their personal and marital conflicts and difficulties, together with enough emotional strength to make decisions and deal more adequately and responsibly with the problems consequent to the dissolution of their marital relationship.”
Welcome. As a senior counsellor and psychotherapist specialising in Discernment Counselling, I understand the immense emotional complexity you are facing right now. If one of you is leaning out of the relationship while the other is leaning in, and you are unsure whether to proceed with separation or commit to working on the marriage, you are in a painful and critical space. Discernment Counselling is specifically designed for couples in this very situation, offering the specialised counselling for deciding on divorce or whether to commit to reconciliation. This structured, short-term, and deeply insightful process helps you find clarity about the future.
What is Discernment Counselling?
Discernment Counselling is not traditional couples therapy. It is a specialised approach for “mixed-agenda couples”—those where one partner is seriously considering ending the marriage (the “leaning-out” partner) and the other is hoping to save it (the “leaning-in” partner).
The goal is not to fix the marriage, but to help you decide on the direction you want to take with confidence and clarity, ensuring that any decision made is fully informed and considered, especially regarding its impact on yourselves and your family.
The Three Paths: Counselling Guidance for Your Relationship Directions
The core of the discernment process involves the counsellor introducing and exploring three possible paths that lie ahead for your marriage. The process is entirely informed by and focused on these three options:
1. The Status Quo Path
In this path, the couple makes an explicit decision to maintain the relationship in its current state.
- What this means: You agree to continue as you are, without making significant changes to address the underlying issues or taking steps towards separation.
- Exploration: This path is often chosen when the couple decides that, for now, the known difficulties are preferable to the uncertainties of change or separation.
2. The Separation or Divorce Path
In this path, one or both partners choose to dissolve the relationship.
- What this means: This is the path many couples are already heading down when they seek out Discernment Counselling. It entails committing to the process of separation, moving towards the legal or practical end of the marriage.
- Exploration: We explore what this path would genuinely entail, focusing on the potential impact on each partner, any children, and the broader social and family network (stakeholders).
3. The Possible Reconciliation Path
This path entails intentionally working toward getting the couple’s relationship to a healthier place.
- What this means: To pursue this, the couple agrees to take divorce off the table for a period of 6 months. This time is dedicated to working on the relationship with good couples therapy and other resources (e.g., individual counselling, support groups).
Exploration: This path requires commitment from both partners to understand the problems and put significant effort into meaningful change.
The Process: Individual Focus, Shared Clarity
A key component of Discernment Counselling is conducting significant time with each partner individually. This is particularly crucial for the leaning-out partner, who needs a safe, non-pressured space to explore their feelings without immediately impacting the leaning-in partner.
Facilitating Clarity: My Approach
My objective in this specialised form of counselling for deciding on divorce is to help the leaning-out partner deeply and thoroughly discern the three paths. We examine:
- What each path would entail practically and emotionally.
- The potential impact of each path on themselves, their partner, their children (if applicable), and other stakeholders (e.g., extended family and social networks).
For the leaning-in partner, the focus is on understanding their role in the current relationship dynamic and considering what changes they would be willing to make if the reconciliation path were chosen, without pressuring the leaning-out partner.
The aim is to move from a place of intense emotional confusion or conflict to one of calm, considered decision-making.
Why Seek Professional Counselling for Deciding on Divorce?
When one person wants to leave and the other wants to stay, the situation is fraught with emotion. Attempting to navigate this complex decision alone, or with well-meaning but biased friends and family, often leads to greater pain and prolonged indecision. Professional counselling for deciding on divorce provides a structured, neutral space that protects both partners from immediate conflict and pressure, which is essential for honest self-reflection.
- Neutrality and Safety: As your specialist counsellor, I provide a non-judgmental, neutral space that protects both partners from immediate conflict and pressure. This objectivity is essential for honest self-reflection.
- Focused Expertise: Discernment Counselling is a specialised model. I am trained to manage the specific “mixed-agenda” dynamic, ensuring a structured process that leads to a definitive, well-thought-out choice.
- Protecting Children and Stakeholders: Decisions made in the heat of distress often have unintended negative consequences for children and extended family. My role is to help you consider these impacts carefully, ensuring any decision is made with the maximum responsibility possible.
- Avoiding “Regretful Divorce”: By taking the time to truly look at the issues and the three paths, you minimise the risk of one or both partners later regretting a hasty decision to end the marriage. If you choose separation, you do so knowing you gave reconciliation an honest, final look.
Your marriage is worth the clarity that this process provides. Don’t let fear or confusion dictate your future.
Are you and your partner ready to explore the three paths and find clarity about the future of your marriage?
Frequently Asked Questions
The primary goal of Discernment Counselling is not to save the marriage, but to help both partners gain clarity and confidence in their decision about the relationship’s future. It provides specialized, neutral guidance for couples who are unsure whether to commit to divorce or reconciliation, ensuring that any final choice is well-informed and fully considered.
Regular Couples Therapy aims to improve the relationship’s functioning. Discernment Counselling is different because it is a short-term, structured process specifically for “mixed-agenda couples” (where one partner is leaning out and the other is leaning in). The goal is decision-making, not relationship repair, and it involves significant time meeting with each partner individually after the initial session.
Discernment Counselling is intentionally short-term, typically involving a maximum of 1 to 5 sessions. The focus is on rapid clarity. The couple is exploring three paths (Status Quo, Separation/Divorce, or a 6-month effort at Reconciliation), and once a path is chosen, the discernment process concludes.
If both partners choose the Reconciliation Path, they agree to take divorce off the table for six months. This period is dedicated to an honest, committed effort at working on the marriage through traditional, goal-oriented couples therapy, along with any necessary individual support, before revisiting the decision.
Discernment Counselling requires the attendance of both partners. The first session must be attended together to establish ground rules and understand the process. Subsequent sessions involve private, individual meetings with the counsellor before a final wrap-up joint session. If your partner refuses to attend any sessions, this service cannot proceed, as the goal is a joint, considered decision.