Phubbing
Is “Phubbing” Destroying the Intimacy in Your Relationship?
Phubbing: The silent saboteur of connection. The word is a mashup of “phone” and “snubbing.” It’s that all-too-common moment when your partner checks their phone while you’re mid-sentence, during dinner, or even in bed. What seems like a small, modern annoyance is actually one of the biggest hidden threats to marital and relationship satisfaction.
If you or your partner prioritize a screen over the person sitting right next to you, you are inadvertently sending a dangerous message: “You are not my priority.”
The Real Cost of Partner Phubbing
When phubbing becomes a pattern in your relationship, the consequences are significant and often spiral into deeper issues. Research consistently links partner phubbing (sometimes called “Pphubbing”) to:
Eroded Trust and Intimacy: When one partner is constantly looking at their phone, the other feels ignored, disrespected, and less valued. This makes them less likely to open up or feel safe sharing vulnerable moments, leading to emotional distance.
Increased Conflict: Phubbing doesn’t just happen; it becomes the subject of arguments. Conflict over screen time is a major driver of dissatisfaction, turning your phone into the third, unwelcome member of your relationship.
Lower Life Satisfaction: The feeling of being neglected by your partner can extend beyond your relationship, negatively impacting your overall mood and even increasing feelings of loneliness and depression for both the phubber and the phubbee.
Retaliation and Distance: When one partner phubs, the other may retaliate by picking up their own phone, leading to a dysfunctional cycle where both people are together, yet completely disconnected.
The phone is not the real enemy—it’s what the phone represents: avoidance, unmet needs, and misdirected attention.
Reclaim Your Connection: When to Seek Couples Counseling
Phubbing is a behavior, not a death sentence for your love. It’s a habit that can be broken, and couple’s counseling is one of the most effective places to do it.
Often, the problem isn’t the phone itself; it’s a symptom of deeper issues like stress, anxiety, or an inability to communicate needs. I provide a non-judgmental space to explore these underlying issues and establish healthier relationship habits.
How We Address Phubbing in Counseling:
Naming the Problem Without Blame: We shift the conversation from accusations (“You’re always on your phone!”) to expression (“I feel hurt when I see you on your phone during our time together.”).
Setting Clear Boundaries: We’ll collaborate to establish practical “phone-free zones” (like the dinner table or bedroom) and create rituals that prioritize each other. This builds trust and security.
Building Deeper Engagement: We use proven therapeutic techniques to help you and your partner practice mindful presence and actively “turn toward” each other’s attempts at connection (what therapists call “bids”). This re-establishes intimacy and reminds you that you matter most.
If phone use has become a frequent source of tension, resentment, or emotional distance, it’s time to intervene. Don’t wait until the silent screen separates you completely.
Ready to put the phone down and choose each other again?