Adult ADHD
ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) can create unique challenges for couples. Not only does it affect the individual’s daily functioning and interpersonal relationships, but it can also affect the dynamics of the couple’s relationship. Fortunately, counseling can help couples with ADHD learn how to cope with these issues and improve their communication. At SG Counselling, we specialize in ADHD-Focused services and is ready to help you face these challenges.
This involves exploring each partner’s beliefs, values, and assumptions about the relationship. Through this process, couples can gain insight into the reasons why they may be having difficulty with certain issues, such as communication or trust. By understanding these issues, couples can learn how to adjust their behaviours to better address the root causes of their difficulties.
Associated Symptoms and Features of ADHD
A. Motor hyperactivity
Manifested by restlessness, inability to relax; “nervousness” (meaning inability to settle down, not anticipatory anxiety); inability to persist in sedentary activities (e.g., watching movies or TV, reading the newspaper); always on the go, dysphoric when inactive.
B. Attention deficits
Manifested by an inability to keep one’s mind on conversations; by distractibility (incapacity to filter extraneous stimuli); difficulty keeping one’s mind on reading materials or tasks (“mind frequently somewhere else”), frequent “forgetfulness”, by often losing or misplacing things; forgetting appointments, plans, car keys, purse, etc.
C. Affective lability
Usually described as antedating adolescence and in some instances as far back as the patient can remember. Manifested by definite shifts from a normal mood to depression or mild euphoria or – more often – excitement: depression described as being “down”, “bored,” or “discontented”; anhedonia not present; mood shifts usually last hours to at most a few days and are present without significant physiological concomitants; mood shifts may occur spontaneously or be reactive.
D. Hot temper, explosive short-lived outbursts
A hot temper, “short fuse,” “low boiling point”; outburst usually followed by quickly calming down. Subjects report they may have transient loss of control and be frightened by their own behavior; easily provoked or constant irritability; temper problems interfere with personal relationships.
E. Emotional over-reactivity
Subjects cannot take ordinary stresses in stride and react excessively or inappropriately with depression, confusion, uncertainty, anxiety, or anger; emotional responses interfere with appropriate problem solving- they experience repeated crises in dealing with routine life stresses; describe themselves as easily “hassled’ or “stressed out.”
F. Disorganisation, inability to complete tasks
A lack of organisation in performing on the job, running a household, or performing school work; tasks are frequently not completed; the subject goes from one task to another in haphazard fashion: disorganisation in activities, problem solving, organising time; lack of “stick-to-it-iveness.”
G. Impulsivity
Minor manifestations include talking before thinking things through; interrupting others conversations; impatience (e.g., while driving); impulse buying. Major manifestations may be similar to those seen in mania and Antisocial Personality Disorder and include poor occupational performance; abrupt initiation or termination of relationships (e.g., multiple marriages, separations, divorces); excessive involvement in pleasurable activities without recognizing risks of painful consequences (e.g., buying sprees, foolish business investments, reckless driving); inability to delay acting without experiencing discomfort. Subjects make decisions quickly and easily without reflection, often on the basis of insufficient information, to his/her own disadvantage.
H. Associated features
Marital instability; academic and vocational success less than expected on the basis of intelligence and education; alcohol or drug abuse; atypical responses to psychoactive medications; family histories of ADHD in childhood; Antisocial Personality Disorder and Briquet’s syndrome.
FAQs
Given that people with ADHD are less consistent in remembering to do things, it can help evervone if the partner with a better memory gives some reminders. However, it is important to discuss how and when those reminders will be given and how the other partner should respond. If your partner reacts like an indignant teenager, that will understandably make you feel like a resentful parent – a problem that must be addressed in advance. If vour partner reacts well to the reminder and shows good intentions by doing the task, that is a pretty good deal. The downside is that it does involve some effort on vour part, including mentally tracking the task and whether it has been completed
Children see patterns in their parents’ relationship and repeat them in their own lives, or they may seek the opposite of what they’ve witnessed growing up. It’s important for your children to discuss their feelings and thoughts about their home environment. It’s okay for them to know vou don’t have a picture-perfect marriage; few people do. The key is how it is talked about and addressed. Depending on your children’s ages and maturity level, they can learn that adults also need to work on communication. If you suspect your children are highly affected, I recommend a therapist for them as well.
When our partners are dysregulated, it’s often quite difficult to stay calm in the moment. We might hear hurtful or provocative things, or endure behaviors related to anger or frustration, like slamming doors or throwing objects. Witnessing explosive outbursts can be triggering, frightening, and frustrating.
As tough as it may be, your job is to stay neutral while relying on a plan that you have mutually agreed to and committed ta follow in distressing times. How do you create such a plan? In a calm moment, discuss what happens in an escalation, and create a safety plan that works for both of you. My STAR approach (Stop, Think, Act, Recover) will serve you well when self-regulation goes out the window
Stop the action by calling for time apart when things start to heat up. Decide in advance how long each of you may need to cool down. Give yourselves the time and space you need.
Think about how each of you contributed to what happened. Talk about it when you come back together. Listen and validate what you hear. Brainstorm together how to move forward without rehashing the argument.